Dealing with my past part two!
When I started fighting back,thing got worse.I started sleeping with knives under my pillow.He would lock me in the closet until I let him do whatever.All I would say was,"why me,God I just wanted to die.But why did you let this happen to me,God? Sometimes,I would say it's just a bad dream and it's going to be all right.But it wasn't a dream;it was real.I had to deal with this for some years,but this is the year I am healing and being set free.I felt bad for so long that it was my felt.But no means no and I was a child.As times pass by,I remember another family member on top of me,just moving up and on me until he burst and released.I would fight him and yes,he held me down.All I could do was cry.I was so scared and started fighting him back.It was happening over and over until I got to the point it just really didn't matter anymore.Sometimes I hatred guys and sometimes I felt like I needed the attention.I was a pretty girl.But when things started happening to me again,my self-esteem went down real low, I felt gross,trashy,unlovable,stupid and ugly.I couldn't toughen up.The more things started happening,the more I really didn't care.At times,I felt like killing myself.I didn't wear tight clothes.Why was this happening to me? I really didn't understand it.I didn't ask for this to happen to me. By this time,I just started making myself like it. It's not like nobody believed me anyway.Yea,it was wrong,but I was used to these guys doing whatever they wanted to me. I was tired of getting hurt.So I started looking for love in all the wrong places,trying so hard to cover up the abuse and hurt.Yea,I was in and out of relationships and at times I felt myself trying to hurt the guy before he hurt me.Yea,at times I would just sit there while a guy put his hand in my panties and just have fun.That wasn't a fun feeling and I was hurt and ashamed.Sorry,but I'm not getting into a lot of details.On finding healing after rape,it became clear that the rapist had not only violated my body but also my mind,my heart,my motherhood,my love life and my very life.God is leading me to tell enough to get healed and help others along the way.I felt like what man would love me because of the rape and abuse.I tried so hard to dress myself up.I used to take showers three to four times a day to get those guys off me,who raped and abused me.When you block out the pain,you block all other feelings as well and nothing or no one can touch you.You are safe from pain,safe from anyone hurting you,but you are alone,empty and untouched.If we can slowly and gently face the hidden nightmare with the support that we need,we can find freedom.I forgive the people who did me wrong;I am releasing any bitterness and offense.I am trusting God to move my past hurts and pains into a new season for my life.God bless you and the best is yet to come.

Melissa L. Bryant