My pain!

For years,I had pain locked up inside.I had so much bondage that was weighing me down and I couldn't take it anymore.I have learned when the hurt and pain no longer draw you closer to the lord, when instead it begins to downgrade your spiritual life,God moves in.He will not permit a trusting child of his to go under because of too much pain and agony of the soul. The more I started remembering things,I would cry out to God,saying,"Why Me?" I learned that when you are hurting so bad that it hinders your growth,God will act and lift you out of the battle for a while.Trust me,he will never allow you to give up. He cares and he loves you so much.But at times,I felt like he didn't hear my cry or see my pain. One thing about it is you can't hide that pain from God when you're hurting.I had to struggle with my own self-worth.I didn't trust anybody and when someone loved me I couldn't love back. I was building up a wall to protect me.I tried so hard to love,but I couldn't. I tried to fit in with other people to cover up all the hurt and pain I was feeling. I tried so hard to dress myself up to make myself feel like a queen, but it didn't work at all.The pain was still there and I felt so ugly on the inside.At times, I tried putting makeup on and fixing myself up so I could really feel love,but that didn't work at all.Every time I looked in that mirror, I felt ugly and I didn't love myself.Whenever something is torn,it does not heal easily,but I learned every day of my life that Jesus can heal a broken or torn heart. When you're hurting,go to your secret prayer closet and weep out all your bitterness.The more you cry out to God,the more you will begin to move closer to him,until you know his arms are holding you tight.I struggled with emotional pain,depression,anger and bitterness toward family,children and the people who raped me and who really betrayed me and took my virginity.But throughout my dark struggle,the counseling I had and the prayers and the pain,God healed me and it's time to talk about it.It's time to recovery and help others.I learned I wasn't alone.God was there the whole time.So my encouragement to you is that you're holding on to some pain you don't feel like you can share,you're not alone;let God help you.Your secret pain can become your story of faith,the strength to you and others,I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times,which affect you in your everyday life.But I do know the power of Jesus will heal your heart.In due time,the pain will pass and you will be delivered.Everything I went through,I learned that it was for a reason.I survive and now I am helping others by sharing my story.
Be encourage! Be blessed! The best is yet to come.
Melissa L. Bryant