More pain!

I had so much pain inside and I really didn't know how to love myself.But it doesn't end here;just when I thought things were getting better, this guy I ended up dating was so jealous. One day,he had a gun pointed at me and rode me around in the car,saying,"Now show me the guy you're cheating on me with.I will kill you today if you don't show me the guy." I started crying,saying,"Baby,I am not cheating on you.I'm not cheating on you with anybody.I don't even have time to cheat.I am a full-time mother,student and working.I don't have time for myself.So you tell me when I have the time to cheat."He was so drunk and finally he took me home.At this time,I was getting tired of all this abuse.I was getting so angry on the inside.I started running away so I could get a peace of mind.I was tired of the beating and one day I fought back.After he came home drunk,he ripped my clothes off and raped me while I was asleep.I woke up screaming,fighting and kicking.My own true love raped me and then threw a bath towel at me,saying,"Now clean yourself up."I had more hurt and pain to deal me.Nobody understood what I was feeling and I had so much anger inside me. I made my mind up I wasn't going through it anymore.Lord,I'm just tired of all this hurt,pain and crying;please help me.I was like,"Lord,why is this happening to me?"I was so angry and mad.But I had to ask God to forgive me because it's my testimony and God kept me.Yes!Lord,I thank you and give you all the praise.I know now it was for a reason-to help others and that's what I am doing.Thank God for prayer and healing.This is my healing point as of today and I thank God.I am healing and I can testify that God has a plan for my life.Just look at God.I love him so much.All the guys who hurt me,I forgive you and I pray you change.God bless you and the best is yet to come.Now I am healed;this is behind me and I'm focusing on 2014.Thank you,Lord,for my healing;now I can move on.For anybody who's been in my shoes,first you have to let go with God's help.Then you have to forgive them and yourself;learn how to love yourself and you tell your story to help others.Lord,please forgive me for blaming you because I am sorry.It's time to stand and take your life back.I feel so much better now that I'm telling my story.This is my breaking point and healing point as well.I'm getting ready for my true love and happiness.I have a better relationship with myself.Yes, I love myself more each ans every day of my life.I couldn't have a healthy relationship with anyone because of the hurt that was weighting me down.It was so much pain that I really couldn't bear.Now that I am healing inside,I can now enter into my amazing successful relationship with God and my future man.All that emotional,physical and verbal abuse left me scarred for too long.At that time,I did have a great man in my life.He really did love me and my children.I ended up pushing him away because of all the hurt and pain I was carrying.When you block out the pain,you also block all other feelings.That's when you're alone,empty and untouched.As of today,I am ready to love and be happy.I am a survivor and you can be one too.Believe me,deep down it is not your fault;no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape,you need to know and accept there is nothing that really justifies rape and you didn't do anything to deserve it.No means no and whatever you do don't run from it.When you run, it will haunt you and you can never outrun your hurt.It is best to try and deal with your emotions head-on instead of trying to outrun something you can't.Let go and let God have all your pain,hurts and problems.Because of who I am today,I have learned to forgive and move on.

Melissa L. Bryant